Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Previously On Persistence 😎
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two