Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Mission: Impossible
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven