Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Every time my phone rings
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Finished stitching this today 😇
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.