Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
how to have fun when you’re poor
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”