make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers