@tehaveragejoel: make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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@TinyNietzsche: Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? "Not to be confused with each other."
@OverlandParker: Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
@HatfieldAnne: “IN my period? ON my period? Ooo…maybe use ‘menses’ instead?” I chew my pen thoughtfully. You can't rush a good jury duty excuse letter.