@tehaveragejoel: make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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@GrandadJFreeman: If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
@rainerfm: My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis