make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart