Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
happy mother’s day❤️
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
buys donuts instead
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?