Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol