“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Well, that didn’t work.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.