#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
This is always good for a laugh.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative