#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
A bold strategy