#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.