I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Bread puns are on the rise!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.