instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Scream sneezers need love too.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?