*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.