ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
You Might Also Like
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.