[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check