[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together