*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.