*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”