I’m being attacked 😭
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”