I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
let’s discuss
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.