@iamspacegirl: *makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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@fart: Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake? A: a hot air balloon #JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
@KeetPotato: [in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
@DawnHFoster: A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old. I wrote it in 2013.
@LizHackett: My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, "What's burning?" I told him, "The world. But what you smell is the chicken."