*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”