*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
OH. COME. ON.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Perfect.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Simple enough.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers