*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*pokes sex life with a stick
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time