*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting