“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.