@mean_spice: [at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@TheBoydP: What's it called when a super model wants to date an accountant? Wishful thinking. Obviously

@philmann: PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word ME: capsicum P: no M: tumescent gerund caliphate P: stop trying to guess the word M: maelstrom

@ShortSleeveSuit: [speed dating] Her: Nice to meet you Me [on meth]: I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

@T_Bonezzz: I like giving names to my furniture Right now i'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch