to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now