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@lisaxy424: *makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
@4ScoreN20Bowls: Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You're a fuquing quoqusuquer
@FilthyRichmond: Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
@_ElvishPresley_: *CAN'T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty...
@WeissBrandon: Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".
@AnkCoupleTO: [in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I'm way ahead of you