*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
lol
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.