*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
You Might Also Like
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line