NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting