[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The three genders.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula