*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?