@_Kim_Jongun: Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads. That's a lie. On an unrelated note, I need that guy's address.

@HeelyHanson: Will you marry me? 'Is a marriage proposal' Will, you, Mary, me? 'A foursome inquiry'

@ItsAndyRyan: Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn't put it down.

@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies? ME: That's terrible! *my backpack starts barking*

@notacroc: [date] HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato