When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
You Might Also Like
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes