Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You Might Also Like
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I have questions??
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.