For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Who.
Did.
This?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.