[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My sex drive has a dui
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork