I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
ibopfufen
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.