Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
You Might Also Like
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW