Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids