Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget