POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
You Might Also Like
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off