[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
You Might Also Like
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
That’s enough internet for the day
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.