Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
i think both sides are to blame here
*aggressively waits in line*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.