making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.