Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Catercrombie & Fish
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He鈥檚 in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.