[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
barbara was highly relatable
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
This was a bad idea all around
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer