My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville