I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
channeling her this year
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Tough love is true love
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool