@lawking30: Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
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@mattZillaaaa: I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
@AmericanGent69: Co-Worker: Poor John has been single forever. We should set him up. Me: *hiding cocaine and a gun in his office desk* I’m on it.
@pleatedjeans: [Shark Tank] an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm Sounds dum- It's called the Alarmadillo OMG SOLD
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.