@lawking30: Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
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@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."
@aveuaskew: "Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?" Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
@Rollmaninoz: *Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies* 60s cop1: what happened 60s cop2: haha nut allergy
@GrantTanaka: astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them